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Pleasure Beyond Penetration

For many people, sex is synonymous with penetration – whether it’s vaginal or anal. Heck, some people don’t even define it as ‘sex’ unless penetration is involved, thanks to the heteronormative, ableist and one-size-fits-all attitudes to sex that we’ve been fed through the media and subpar sex education.


But, if sexual intimacy is like eating in a restaurant, we might typically think of foreplay as an appetiser and penetrative sex as the main course – but since 81.6% of women don’t orgasm from penetrative sex alone (without clit stimulation), that sounds to us like far too many of us are missing out on dessert.


It’s time we remember that sexual pleasure is more of an all-you-can-eat buffet to pick and choose what satisfies you. Even if that’s all dessert, no dinner.

Orgasms aren’t everything

Okay, we know that feels sinful to say but what we mean is, when you can focus more on enjoying sexual pleasure, whether partnered or solo, as an experience rather than sprinting to an end goal, it can take the pressure off and help you relax. In a reverse psychology type of way, feeling relaxed can then help you to reach your ‘big O’ more easily too. Remember, orgasms are pretty great but they don’t define sexual satisfaction and there are many ways for women to reach a toe-curling climax where penetration isn’t the star of the show.

Redefining sex

Let’s start with how you define ‘sex’? Do you only count vaginal sex or anal sex where penetration occurs? Perhaps your definition includes oral sex and hand play too? The fact of the matter is, the lines of what ‘counts’ as sex (and in turn which orgasms are ‘real’) can feel blurry as it’s entirely subjective. Especially since basing a definition purely off of traditionally heteronormative standards of P in V sex can be very close minded. All orgasms are valid, my friend.

Many of us have grown up prioritising penetrative sex, with the other sexually intimate acts we enjoy (like oral sex, fingering or nipple play) being overlooked or disregarded while we rush to the main course. But if we instead slow down and think of sex as more of an all-you-can-eat buffet you get to design yourself, suddenly it opens up a whole new world of sexual pleasure, satisfaction and intimacy with your partner.

A buffet of pleasure

Now’s the fun part—it’s your chance to create a buffet of sexual pleasure that’s all your own. From mutual masturbation to phone sex or introducing toys, experiment with your desires and you might just find something that turns your traditional ideals of sex on its head.

As a bonus, creating a menu of sexual experiences together with a partner is not only a great way to keep track of acts you want to explore with each other but can be enticing foreplay and a way to connect more intimately with your playtime partner. 

What better way is there to get inspired to push the boundaries and explore your desires than with a new buzzy bestie? For partnered play, try Dorothea, our remote control couple’s vibrator and enter a whole new world of self-pleasure.

Try Kunyaza

“‘Kunyaza’ is a practice that’s been exercised for hundreds of years between heterosexual couples in central Africa,” says owner of the Whores of Yore sexual history hub, Dr. Kate Lister. “During kunyaza, the man rhythmically and firmly strikes the clitoral glands with his erect penis,” she explains.


“As the woman [or vagina-having person] becomes more aroused and the vulva starts to swell, their partner rubs their penis from the top to the bottom of the vulva, then left to right, and then in a zigzagging motion – always returning to strike the clitoris after each rotation. Finally, as the woman or vulva-haver is brought close to orgasm, their partner simultaneously stimulates the whole vulva area using long strokes... but never penetrating. The technique itself may sound deceptively simple, but kunyaza literally means ‘to make urinate’, or ‘to make squirt’."

Make the most of the perineum

The perineum is the fleshy part between a guy or penis-haver's balls and anus, and it’s choc-a-block with nerve endings. It also hardens as he does. The perineum graduates from soft, to firm and back – which gives you a plump area to rub, tug and massage. Stimulation using your tongue and your knuckles usually works well.

 

With your partner lying on their back, try holding the first and middle fingers of your dominant hand as though you’re flicking the Vs at their genitals, then pushing those knuckles either side of their perineum, gripping against the firm flesh and rubbing up and down while licking the surrounding areas.

Talk about sex!

They say that the brain is the most important sex organ - and using your imagination holds endless power when it comes to sex.

 

Try using a prompt like the Pillow Talk card deck from The School of Life to ask each other questions about what you want during sex, whether it's asking what kind of power dynamics you find exciting, or an unusual location you've always wanted to have sex in. And there's no touching required!


Try listening to a podcast like The Sexual Wellness Sessions to open up a conversation about sex with your partner. You can talk about what you enjoy, what you'd like to try, or any fantasies you might have.

 

And if you're done with conversation then try listening to some audio porn together. Apps like Ferly have sensual stories and audio erotica for you to listen to, which can help to spark your erotic imagination.

Orgasms should be ethically and environmentally guilt-free, don’t you think? Enhance your masturbation moments with BON. Pleasure’s range of sustainable, 100% carbon neutral sex toys.

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