renaiisance painting naked women

Why You’re Not Making Her Cum (And How To Fix It)

According to research in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, the success rate for women achieving orgasm during sex is as low as 31%.

At this point, the phrase ‘orgasm gap’ should be one that we’re all familiar with.

 

The orgasm gap essentially tells us that, whilst 95% of heterosexual men usually or always orgasm during sex, only 65% of women report the same. Other studies pinned this number as being even lower, with a study by the Archives of Sexual Behavior suggesting that women only orgasm during around 31-40% of their sexual encounters.

 

Why is this?
 

Quite simply, the reason for this pleasure inequality is that female pleasure has historically been, and still is, utterly mystified. 

 

Let’s be very clear - when it comes to sex, there is no shame in not knowing. No one is born with an innate understanding of sexual pleasure that becomes unlocked when they turn 18. Equally, although modern sex education is becoming increasingly progressive, it still lacks a basic focus on communication, and how to check in with your partner that what you’re doing actually feels good. 

 

But being sex-positive means viewing yourself as constantly involved in a cycle of learning - so sit down, listen up, and get ready to take some notes.

 

Class is now in session.

1 - Your sex doesn’t last long enough.

During the average steamy session, whilst it takes a man around 5-7 minutes to orgasm, for a woman it takes at least double that time. When you consider this alongside the fact that the average length of partnered sex is only five minutes, it becomes instantly obvious as to why many women may struggle to reach climax during this period.

 

If you’re looking to extend your sex, you could try deepening the extent of your foreplay. Perhaps, instead of viewing sex as starting when you take off your clothes, why not try letting your foreplay leak into your early evening? Try flirting over a candlelit dinner, giving your partner a massage, or even just sending them a cheeky text to set the mood before your sex even starts.

2 - There is too much stress or pressure.

A study by Valparaiso University suggested that the most common reason that women struggle to orgasm during sex is due to stress and anxiety.


 

Often, this relates to stress and anxiety in their daily or personal lives. However, it can also relate directly to a stress around climaxing, also known as orgasm anxiety.

 

Orgasm anxiety, affecting individuals of all genders, is characterized by a heightened preoccupation with orgasm during sexual experiences. In other words, if you find yourself trying extra hard to climax, or worrying about how your partner might react if you don’t, then you might be experiencing orgasm anxiety. This widespread issue can sometimes originate from underlying factors such as general anxiety, dissatisfaction in your relationship, and diminished self-esteem - however, it also often comes from a general performance anxiety and worry about not being ‘good enough’. 

The hardest thing about orgasm anxiety is that once you begin experiencing it, it often creates a self-reinforcing cycle that is tough to break free of.

 

The best way to try and ease orgasm anxiety is to communicate with your partner about your sexual expectations. For example, try telling your partner ‘hey, I only want you to [do X] for as long as you feel comfortable’. This eliminates any kind of pressure for a partner to achieve orgasm quicker so as to not bore or frustrate their counterpart.

 

If communication feels a little intimidating, you could also try to relax with your partner using a more physical approach. This could be through a massage, a cuddle, or even just a more mindful way of touching. Once you’ve established that your sex comes with no expectations, you may find the issue of orgasming a little less worrying.

3 - You haven’t actually asked what she likes.

As attitudes towards pleasure have become increasingly more open, it has become the norm to question your partner about their kinks and fantasies - and this is healthy! Questions like ‘What position feels best?’ and ‘What names do you like to be called?’ can help deliver a fulfilling experience for both yourself and anyone who you might find yourself in bed with. However, slightly more specific questions like ‘How much pressure do you like on your clitoris?’ and ‘How fast/ deep/ hard is too fast/ deep/ hard?’ still fail to be mainstream, as they fail to feel comfortable. For many people who worry about their performance, to ask their partner how they like to be touched, especially after a significant period of dating, feels equivalent to admitting ineptitude.

 

But as always, communicating the specifics of your sexual satisfaction is the only way to improve it.

 

If you really want to understand how to make your partner cum, try asking them how they touch themselves when they’re alone - or better yet, ask them to show you. You could also try practicing positions where they are able to take a higher level of control, and notice how they move their body in order to gain the maximum amount of pleasure. 

Ultimately, although it can be uncomfortable to admit that you might not know your partner’s body as well as you’d like to, it is necessary in order to have the best sex possible.

 

Communication surrounding intimacy doesn’t always have to come in the form of a serious or intense discussion. It can be in the form of a simple, isolated question, or a relaxed conversation whilst you’re cuddling in bed.

 

But whatever form it takes, communication is vital in finally bridging the orgasm gap.

 

So don’t just do it for yourself, or for your partner.

 

Do it for feminism.

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